Friday, May 1, 2015

June 3rd

"Be strong," I tell myself. Literally, out loud. I whisper it so the rest of my family doesn't think I'm crazy, talking to myself. Be strong. You are capable of SO much more than you think. I click the select button. Enter my debit card information. "Your card is about to be charged. Are you sure you want to proceed?" God, it's like they know I'm already hesitant. I click yes. Phew. Deep breaths. Be strong. Be strong. You are strong. Ticket is purchased. That's it. In one month and three days I will be back in North Carolina. I leave June 3rd. A red eye. Arrive the next day in the morning. A decent flight. Only one stop. It was the cheapest I could find. And I am terrified. 

Keegan left and I accepted that he would miss out on all the stages of pregnancy. I went to all the doctor appointments by myself. Heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. Laid back and held my breath as the doctor rubbed that cold gel on my belly and all of a sudden there it was.. this long, weird, slight resemblance of a human.  Found out that "it" was probably, most likely a "she." I  face timed Keegan in the car after and he said he knew it. He had a feeling. Daddy's little girl. Thank god for modern technology. My belly grows bigger and he is amazed every time I show him. "I've never seen you with a belly.." He says. But he likes it. He talks to our little girl. I am so very thankful for the technology. it's still not fair. He wants to be here and he can't and it sucks for the both of us. 

I get tired of dealing with all the logistics of life by myself. I have to pay the bills, I have to make sure the house is ok back in North Carolina. I can barely remember to take my vitamins, let alone pay the Internet bill. Oops. Finally suspended Keegan's phone, three months into deployment. Go me. But I'm used to this stuff. 

I can do the bills, the payments, the budget. 

I can do doctor appointments and  people asking me a million times if dads gonna be there for the birth, and the big pregnancy milestones. 

But I couldn't buy my plane ticket, until now. 
Because I'm flying home on my two year anniversary. 
It's like the last obstacle in this deployment survival course.  (Ha, I wish.) And it's so... Funny. Because I always buy the cheapest ticket with the best flight. And that so happened to be it.
 Really, God? 
I refused at first. I'm going to be an emotional wreck, I thought. I always cry when I leave my family, add to that hormonal mess  my wedding anniversary being away from my husband and that's a recipe for a break down. 
But the thing is, the thing I had to realize, is that I am incredibly strong. I will be OK. I'm not going to make less of it and say it's just another day, no big deal. It is a big deal. It's my two year anniversary and I'm sad Keegan won't be here. I'm a deeply emotional being and that stuff is important to me. And also, I'm weary. I'm emotionally weary and I'm done doing all this alone. So when I realize the date and the significance I'm like, are you effin kidding me?
Buying the ticket was scary because it's our anniversary, and also because it means I'm leaving the security of my childhood home. It's official. It means shortly thereafter I will be giving birth... Which is another fear I have but apparently I am just conquering all my fears these days. 

  We, me and my little girl, we will be ok. We're going home and she's gonna keep cookin', I'll get the nursery ready (I'm not setting up a crib by myself, that's where I draw the line), I'll make freezer meals and do all the third trimester things. Because, as I have learned, I am capable. I am actually pretty independent. Yeah, I'm scared. But I'm not really alone.  I never am. I am strong. I got this. I got this... 

-Just want to give a shout out to all the moms who have had to do it all alone. You are amazing. 
Also, a huge thank you to my family. Blood and marriage related. I'm so lucky I can't even thank you all enough. ❤️