Wednesday, January 21, 2015


I am writing this in my rawest state of emotion. I don't know if it's a good idea or a horrible idea. I don't know what else to do right now but write. I could make a cup of tea or do yoga but those things, while relaxing, would require getting out of bed and I just don't feel like I can even do that at the moment. 

 I forgot how hard deployment is to be honest.  I want my husband to come home. But I know my husband and I know he loves being out there doing badass stuff and I would never ask him to give that up. Even if he wanted to it's not like he has a choice. This is his job and this is part of our life right now. The sacrifices he makes reminds me why I fell in love with him. 

 I don't know how I will get through this, but I know I have to, for Keegan. Right now I feel like I can't do it. I feel like the world is ending and my life is over. That's the thing about feelings, they are rarely rational. 

I am telling myself that it will get better. It has to get better, right? 

I don't have my life together. I'm stressed out. I don't know how to live on my own and do adult things. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. I'm scared they're not going to let me keep my dog here. I'm scared the stupid realtors won't let me get out of my lease at the old house. I'm scared of having this baby on my own. I'm scared to do "life" without my best friend. 

People experience far worse things. Sickness, loss, devastating things that alter their world forever. 

I can certainly get through a seven month deployment. While it will be hard and I will miss him and each day will be a struggle, I HAVE to get through it. The reality of it is that I am incredibly blessed. I have a wonderful  husband, the love of my life. It's amazing how God has worked in our lives and our relationship. I mean we're going to have a BABY! It brings me to tears thinking about what a great dad Keegan will be. I can't wait. How lucky am I.  I have a comfortable place to live and a dog who licks my tears. A family who supports me through this all. Friends who have my back. I am the lucky one. 

Fingers crossed this is the last one, the last time we will have to be apart for so long. No more goodbyes, no more tears. And we can finally have our happily ever after. Can't wait. Xo.