Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Things You Absolutely Shouldn't do Until the Last Month of Pregnancy

1. Start assembling your nursery. Because putting together a cheap cube organizer from Target with raging pregnancy horomones and a huge belly will not result in cursing and tears. 
2. Go to Sam's Club, by yourself. It's great exercise pushing a giant heavy cart around a warehouse. 
3. Pay for something really expensive like your dogs surgery. There's no better time to be completely broke than right before having a baby. 
4. Get in a minor car accident. Insurance agents are so comforting and nice to talk to. 
5. Pin a lot of freezer meal recipes but don't make any of them! 
6. Start reading the baby books that have been sitting on your shelf. Procrastination is always the best way. 
7. Google what a birth plan is. 

Disclaimer: This post is extremely sarcastic (shocking) and an attempt to make light of my bad luck and lack of preparation. I really am quite excited for my little one to make her arrival, and I'm sure my lack of freezer meals will not be the end of the world. :) I am actually very confident in my role as a mother, I just find it humorous when I read other "last month of pregnancy to do lists" and they include luxuries such as getting a mani-pedi... 😂😂😂 HILARIOUS. 

Thanks for reading :) 

Friday, May 1, 2015

June 3rd

"Be strong," I tell myself. Literally, out loud. I whisper it so the rest of my family doesn't think I'm crazy, talking to myself. Be strong. You are capable of SO much more than you think. I click the select button. Enter my debit card information. "Your card is about to be charged. Are you sure you want to proceed?" God, it's like they know I'm already hesitant. I click yes. Phew. Deep breaths. Be strong. Be strong. You are strong. Ticket is purchased. That's it. In one month and three days I will be back in North Carolina. I leave June 3rd. A red eye. Arrive the next day in the morning. A decent flight. Only one stop. It was the cheapest I could find. And I am terrified. 

Keegan left and I accepted that he would miss out on all the stages of pregnancy. I went to all the doctor appointments by myself. Heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. Laid back and held my breath as the doctor rubbed that cold gel on my belly and all of a sudden there it was.. this long, weird, slight resemblance of a human.  Found out that "it" was probably, most likely a "she." I  face timed Keegan in the car after and he said he knew it. He had a feeling. Daddy's little girl. Thank god for modern technology. My belly grows bigger and he is amazed every time I show him. "I've never seen you with a belly.." He says. But he likes it. He talks to our little girl. I am so very thankful for the technology. it's still not fair. He wants to be here and he can't and it sucks for the both of us. 

I get tired of dealing with all the logistics of life by myself. I have to pay the bills, I have to make sure the house is ok back in North Carolina. I can barely remember to take my vitamins, let alone pay the Internet bill. Oops. Finally suspended Keegan's phone, three months into deployment. Go me. But I'm used to this stuff. 

I can do the bills, the payments, the budget. 

I can do doctor appointments and  people asking me a million times if dads gonna be there for the birth, and the big pregnancy milestones. 

But I couldn't buy my plane ticket, until now. 
Because I'm flying home on my two year anniversary. 
It's like the last obstacle in this deployment survival course.  (Ha, I wish.) And it's so... Funny. Because I always buy the cheapest ticket with the best flight. And that so happened to be it.
 Really, God? 
I refused at first. I'm going to be an emotional wreck, I thought. I always cry when I leave my family, add to that hormonal mess  my wedding anniversary being away from my husband and that's a recipe for a break down. 
But the thing is, the thing I had to realize, is that I am incredibly strong. I will be OK. I'm not going to make less of it and say it's just another day, no big deal. It is a big deal. It's my two year anniversary and I'm sad Keegan won't be here. I'm a deeply emotional being and that stuff is important to me. And also, I'm weary. I'm emotionally weary and I'm done doing all this alone. So when I realize the date and the significance I'm like, are you effin kidding me?
Buying the ticket was scary because it's our anniversary, and also because it means I'm leaving the security of my childhood home. It's official. It means shortly thereafter I will be giving birth... Which is another fear I have but apparently I am just conquering all my fears these days. 

  We, me and my little girl, we will be ok. We're going home and she's gonna keep cookin', I'll get the nursery ready (I'm not setting up a crib by myself, that's where I draw the line), I'll make freezer meals and do all the third trimester things. Because, as I have learned, I am capable. I am actually pretty independent. Yeah, I'm scared. But I'm not really alone.  I never am. I am strong. I got this. I got this... 

-Just want to give a shout out to all the moms who have had to do it all alone. You are amazing. 
Also, a huge thank you to my family. Blood and marriage related. I'm so lucky I can't even thank you all enough. ❤️

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Never flying again, ever.

Today I am flying home with my dog. We are going to Washington for a couple months to be with family while Keegan is deployed. I made all the travel arrangements. I called Delta about a million times to make sure I had everything I needed and that they knew the dog was coming. Relax, customer service lady told me. Everything will be fine. I got the special kennel, I took him to the vet to get a health certificate, I took care of everything. Sounds easy enough, right? Well. My friend drops me off. I walk up to the counter. And the middle aged balding scruffy man working says, uhhhh you might want to tell her not to leave, we can't accept your dog. I get hysterical of course.. I'm like what are you talking about, I called weeks ago, blah blah blah... And basically he said they did not have room for the dog, there was no other flights tonight, so we would have to look at rebooking. I tell him to move some damn cargo, I'm getting on that flight. He says no, you're not. I tell him to go to hell and walk out. I know, not my finest moment. We will just blame it on the pregnancy hormones. SO. I'm sitting outside the airport bawling with a dog, a kennel, and a suitcase. I call delta and the lady did not like my use of the "f" word and basically made me feel like the idiot even though I did nothing wrong. I then called cargo, who said the dog should have been booked with them and wasn't, even though after calling delta to confirm my reservation previously, NO ONE mentioned that. That idiot told me to call customer service again, and THAT idiot told me to call cargo!! I was about to give up and just go home, but I decided I would give it one more try. So I called cargo and a very nice English speaking woman answered and she called the front desk people at this airport and talked to them, and basically convinced them to get me AND my dog rescheduled tonight, with free boarding at a kennel for the dog tonight since I'll have to stay in a hotel. So then this lady comes out and helps me bring all my stuff in and apologizes for how the situation was handled. She  rebooked me, and made sure my dog would get to Portland. She had no idea what she was doing and had to call like a million people but she was so nice and she made the best attempt to do something she had never done before. I'm not entirely thrilled becuase I have to stay in a hotel by myself tonight in Atlanta, they didn't give me a voucher so that's coming out of my pocket, but... I'm going home. I wish I was 100% sure my dog is gonna get there but let's just keep fingers crossed. And I have to say I normally love Delta.. But I was very disappointed today with the customer service I received. I travel A LOT and I honestly don't want to give them my business anymore. And chubby scruffy man?? What I said before still stands. I hope you get what you deserve. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015


I am writing this in my rawest state of emotion. I don't know if it's a good idea or a horrible idea. I don't know what else to do right now but write. I could make a cup of tea or do yoga but those things, while relaxing, would require getting out of bed and I just don't feel like I can even do that at the moment. 

 I forgot how hard deployment is to be honest.  I want my husband to come home. But I know my husband and I know he loves being out there doing badass stuff and I would never ask him to give that up. Even if he wanted to it's not like he has a choice. This is his job and this is part of our life right now. The sacrifices he makes reminds me why I fell in love with him. 

 I don't know how I will get through this, but I know I have to, for Keegan. Right now I feel like I can't do it. I feel like the world is ending and my life is over. That's the thing about feelings, they are rarely rational. 

I am telling myself that it will get better. It has to get better, right? 

I don't have my life together. I'm stressed out. I don't know how to live on my own and do adult things. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared. I'm scared they're not going to let me keep my dog here. I'm scared the stupid realtors won't let me get out of my lease at the old house. I'm scared of having this baby on my own. I'm scared to do "life" without my best friend. 

People experience far worse things. Sickness, loss, devastating things that alter their world forever. 

I can certainly get through a seven month deployment. While it will be hard and I will miss him and each day will be a struggle, I HAVE to get through it. The reality of it is that I am incredibly blessed. I have a wonderful  husband, the love of my life. It's amazing how God has worked in our lives and our relationship. I mean we're going to have a BABY! It brings me to tears thinking about what a great dad Keegan will be. I can't wait. How lucky am I.  I have a comfortable place to live and a dog who licks my tears. A family who supports me through this all. Friends who have my back. I am the lucky one. 

Fingers crossed this is the last one, the last time we will have to be apart for so long. No more goodbyes, no more tears. And we can finally have our happily ever after. Can't wait. Xo.